What is it about humans that we all seen to think we are very special? I always thought and pained at being ordinary. But if everyone is special then nobody would be ordinary right? What defines ordinary? And what defines special? I spent the entire first half of my life trying to fit in, to blend in to the crowd, to live up to expectations , fear of falling behind because I would rather be leading the pack. We all want to be ahead of the pack and in doing so define ourselves as special and which satisfies some inner need to be noticed, to be praised, or to be approved. It is frightening to be left behind. And perhaps the root reason why I am always measuring myself against the rest is because I fear being left behind. It is an unsettling feeling. It makes me nervous. It makes me nervous because I think I'm not good at fending for myself. And whenever I get left behind I try to catch up...Sometimes desperately.
Why do we fear being left behind? Is it a natural human reflex? I am not very good at philosophy so I'd guess it's because primitive humans as hunter gatherers have always bunched together to hunt their mightier foes. Left alone, we feel powerless. Modern society is not all that dissimilar. The family concept has persevered through the ages, civilisation is very much the epitome of humans coming together for self defense, food and shelter.
The whole problem of why I feel the need to keep up, to be defined as normal is probably a whole lot more complex. But the starting point of how I should live my life from hence forth could lie in accepting that we are all alone and to conquer that feeling of being left behind is to embrace it. Learn to fend for myself, to understand that people won't always be around to lend a hand, and that you are really much more resilient and resourceful than you think you can be.
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